Makeovers, Wrinkles and Emus

Cosmetician applies makeup during makeover.

The painful process of ‘beauty.’

I went with a friend to a local makeup emporium last week. She was having a makeover. I was her support person.

It was her makeover but it turns out I’m the one who needed the support.

While schmearing green goo on my friend’s cheeks, (“this corrective concealer will camouflage those broken capillaries. Trust me, no one will  know you’re green”) the dewy-skinned twenty-something cosmetician looked over her shoulder.

Because someone in the immediate area might have been snickering. Just a bit.

Looking straight at me, Twenty-something said, “You could use this face primer. It’s great for older skin.”

“‘Primer?’” I said, “Isn’t that for walls?” Heh heh heh.

I was the only one laughing.

“It’s our poor solutions kit.”

I was getting into deep waters now. “Why do I need to buy the whole kit if it’s only a poor solution?”

“Not ‘poor,’ ‘pore,’” Twenty-something corrected me. With great patience and no detectable rolling of her eyes.

‘You’re only as old as you feel’ has been my excuse—er, motto but the cosmetics industry seems intent on disabusing me of that idea. I believe they’re going for the one that ends, ‘…and leave a good-looking corpse.’

Back at home I searched ‘best for aging skin.’

Except I really only had to type in the ‘best’ and the ‘aging’ because the search algorithm supplied the rest.

Top of the results was a site calledWrinkle Review. I’d like to make believe it’s a site for judging really outstanding wrinkles (‘Dave, she’s got the most outstanding crows feet formation I’ve ever seen, I give her a 9.5, she must be smiling overtime to get those,’) it’s a review site for anti aging products.

The cheapest on their list, by the way, was Aquallure at $59.95 but it’s currently on a half-off promotion, so with $4.95 in shipping it only cost me $34.90. Even better, buying the first pot enters me into the club so I guess the stuff just keeps coming. Still at that same great half-off price.

The most expensive on their list is ‘Life Cell’ at $189.95 by South Beach Skin Care. I’m sure it’s great stuff: the next time I need ‘intensive and fast acting’ cream, say I’m on my way to meet someone who’s only seen my thumbnail photo (‘chin up and to the side, dear, lengthens the double chin and the eye bags slide back and away.’)

My personal favorite is No Wrinkles Now! I like the positive message behind that exclamation point.

The Strixaderm people must really think the world of their product. I’m a little concerned that the photo shows I only get a slender, wand like item for my $79.00, but, hey, it’s got Emu Oil! (See? They’ve got me doing it now.) Must be powerful stuff! Because if there’s one bird that’s associated with youth and beauty, it’s the Emu!

Picture of Emu bird.

The beauteous Emu. (Photo credit http://www.flickr.com/photos/tambako/2515964270/)

Of course, having wrinkles and being alive to spread Emu oil

(exactly what part of the bird does the oil come from, by the way? If you know, please don’t tell me)

on them certainly beats the alternative.

Yesterday I heard a radio ad for a company touting its customer support by ‘live humans.’ If I follow their reasoning, their rascally competitors may be cutting costs by staffing their support lines with dead humans. Who would certainly offer extremely poor customer support, if any at all, of course through no fault of their own.

(Although I had occasion to call a certain television cable provider’s ‘customer service’ line recently. I have a strong suspicion their management is not using the services of the company staffed by ‘live humans.’)

As the perfect start to my morning following my makeover experience, Yahoo Ads offered me the following ‘Ad Topics That Might Interest You.’

Yahoo suggested Ad Topics.

Products and services I need, according to Yahoo.

The topics were probably compiled by the same Faustian algorithm that brought me ‘Wrinkle Review.’

I emailed a complaint to Customer Service.

I haven’t heard back. They’re probably not staffed by ‘live humans.’

Pass me the Emu oil. I have time to slather while I wait.

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